


If the Devil was looking for a soul to *STEAL* how can he be willing to make a deal?

by lover_of_blue_roses



Category: Bohemian Rhapsody (Movie 2018), Queen (Band)
Genre: Angst, Dedication/Obsession?, Low Self-Esteem, M/M, Serious Stuff that I am choosing not to tag for the reveal of it, Supernatural Elements, Unrequited Love, not Halloween but not Not Halloween, pinning
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-27
Updated: 2019-11-04
Packaged: 2021-01-04 18:27:57
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 11
Words: 17,864
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21202100
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lover_of_blue_roses/pseuds/lover_of_blue_roses
Summary: John *loves* Brian, so much so that he is willing to sell his soul.It's possible this story will not about what you think is (plot-twist!)





	1. I'm gonna make you suffer/This hell you put me in

**Author's Note:**

> Prompt: Someone sells their soul

Deaky was nervous and felt like pacing but he knew that wouldn't help, he mustn't show any weakness lest it be used against him. Instead he stood unmoving braced against the cold, biting wind. It had been getting colder as autumn waned into winter and tonight was particularly vicious. While in north America the 31st of October was celebrated as a holiday of candy and cheer, here the equinox was signaled by nothing more than longer nights.

For Deaky it had always been a day like any other and tonight would be no exception except for what he was about to do. He had no choice though in the matter. Something had to be done. Something that should have been done a long time ago but he had had no idea it would get this bad. His soul is a small price to pay in the end. 

He had grown to love Queen and being their bassist. But as nice as playing their music, as fun as they were as friends, it was something more than that, that John loved most of all. Their guitarist.

Brian was kind, considerate, thoughtful, passionate, intelligent but most of all lovely. John been struck the most by Brian when he had first audition for Queen because of his unusual looks. Brian wasn't as conventionally attractive as Roger, who was beautiful in his own right, but instead had a distinct look with his sharp nose and curly hair. 

John's hair was, at least once grown out, at least wavy if not mildly curly but that was nothing compare to the tight curls that Brian was so mistreating. But Freddie, dear darling Freddie who would never condone what Deaky must do on this hallow's eve, had convinced Brian to let it grow out, giving him gorgeous majestic curls that John could only envy. 

Of course it was more than the physical, although that had been the first thing to catch John's attention. Brian was growing better as a songwriter all the time and he was an extraordinarily talented guitarist with a distinct sound. One part came from his unique one-of-a-kind guitar, another part of his distinct sound John had helped engineer; he still remembers that day, with vivid clarity. They hadn't been able to afford anything fancy and everything cheap on the market wasn't giving Brian the sound he wanted. 

Deaky had been able to find on multiple occasions things worth salvaging at the rubbish dump. There were two separate piles, one for scrap metal and one for things with circuit boards. Deaky hadn't been sure what if anything he would be able to salvage and so had kept mum on the matter until he had been done. While he had been proud of his accomplishment, he had still been nervous about what Brian would think about. It remains one of his happiest memories; how Brian's face had absolutely lit up when he'd heard what it could sound like with his guitar.

Crushing though had been Brian in joy at the newly dubbed Deaky amp swinging Roger up in a celebratory kiss. John had put on a brave face but he known in that moment that nothing he could do would ever be good enough for Brian. He had been disappointed when he had first found out that Brian and Roger were dating after his audition but he had hoped that perhaps it wasn't that serious, perhaps it wouldn't really last but that hadn't been the case.

Nothing could ever supplant Roger in Brian's heart, which while Deaky resented, he understood. What wasn't there to love about Roger? As if the fact that they hadn't met first, known each other longer wasn't enough, Roger was so much more attractive than bland John, and so very different in personality. Roger was excitable, outgoing and dynamic while Deaky was rather shy and introverted. They almost couldn't have been bigger opposites. 

So John had had to stand there with a fake face of happiness as the man he loved the most in the world kissed one of his best friends. He had felt his heart breaking and shattering. There was truly no more hope for Deaky. In Brian's moments of joy, in the joy that Deaky had lovely crafted and presented to him, he turned to Roger to share his delight. Of course he did. Roger was his boyfriend and Deaky was nothing more than a coworker. And not even a wanted coworker, he was just the missing piece to Queen but anyone who could have played the bass would have worked. From that day on, he had stopped deluding himself into thinking he could ever have a chance, not unless something extraordinary happened.

And in this case perhaps something literally 'extraordinary,' unnatural, happened. 

-  
Deaky had first found out about all of this when his first cousin twice removed, or as this family considered him their great-great uncle, had died and left his house. They had been tasked with sorting through all that had accumulated in the man's ninety-seven years of living. Deaky had found, moldering in the back of a trunk in the attic, a hand-written leather bound journal. 

He had liked the embossed cover and as it was less than half filled in, he had thought to keep it for his own use. He had however quickly become curious by the odd symbols inside amongst the English. It turns out it had been written in code. And the decoder, stamped on a metal sheet, had been left in between the pages of the book. It was a 24 character alphabet that corresponded to the english one. From there it was only a simple shift cipher based on completing the English phrases to be able to use the decoder and reveal the true message.

While Deaky thought it might be about an affair or some other little scandal, he hadn't been that curious in the actual content. He had done it more out of boredom, the same way he did the crossword or sudoku. It was a nice mental exercise that kept him busy. 

Which is why he hadn't really thought much about what was actually revealed, seemingly a book of fairy tales that focused on cryptozoology. That was until he had uncaringly copied down the English words for a light spell that had summoned a ball of light into his flat. He had screamed in shock, startled by the existence of the supernatural. 

But he had revelled in it, because from that moment on he had known that what he had was real. And so he had to be careful with the magic contained inside. Careful but not unwilling to use it. If he didn't use it to get ahead, what was the point? The book spoke clearly of the consequences and the price of any magic used. So John, technically legally an adult although just, could then weigh the benefits vs the cost and decide on what to do. His great-great uncle had lived a long, full life so clearly there was no reason he couldn't too. 

Deaky knew he wasn't entitled to everything and hardly made big changes but it wasn't too much for him to have luck or to make a good impression. Just a little, but enough to get ahead in life. Nothing drastic, not until tonight. 

-  
It's cold and Deaky isn't dressed warmly enough. The wind feels like knives cutting through his pullover and his shirt straight to his skin. As much as he'd like to wait it out in his van, parked on the side of the road here in the middle of nowhere, he can't afford to miss this opportunity after all the trouble he went to. Instead he hunches over, keeping his arms locked to the sides of his body to protect what little heat he has left. It shouldn't be much longer now. 

Clouds roll across the sky and in the distance a bird screams. He takes a bracing breath of the chilled night air, stamping his feet. From one blink to another, there stands the silhouette of a person. Shadows cover them despite the faint natural light. It is as though they are wearing a formless cloak over themselves, obscuring any bodily features. Deaky can't even recognize if they are male or female, although at least they are vaguely person shaped. 

"Speak, one who has summoned me," their voice is faint and doesn't sound like anything. It feels as much a part of the noisescape as the wind whispering over the blades of grass. 

"I wish to make a deal," Deaky hopes his voice comes out strong and unwavering. 

The being laughs. Even if Deaky did not know of the evil nature of what he had summoned that sound would still be sinister. "I am the right person to ask. The question is can you pay the price?"

Deaky's soul all of a sudden feels like a physical weight on his chest and he must resist the urge to place a hand over it. He knew what making a deal would entail and he is prepared to pay such a steep price. He squares his shoulders and looks in its face where it might have eyes, "I am."

"Excellent," the voice purrs and its more than the cold wind that makes his skin crawl. "What do you wish to deal for?"

He takes a deep breath and speaks. His words seem loud in the night air although surely it is only their importance that gives that impression. 

The being seems to contemplate for a moment before it smiles. The row of teeth appear from its blank face of shadows and John does his best not to flinch, "Deal." It extends a hand and John remembers what he read in the literature.

John takes hesitant steps towards the creature who grabs him by the shoulder; its touch is odd and feels nearly intangible and yet John is sure its hold is unbreakable. "To seal the deal," It whispers before kissing him. It doesn't feel anything like any kiss John has ever had. The being's lips are as real as the touch on his shoulder and he can feel the hard teeth right underneath. 

It doesn't last more than a second and then John is left standing in the middle of a dirt road miles from civilization. What has he done?


	2. My love is your disease

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Now we see what John traded his soul for.

Now that the being is gone there is no reason for Deaky to pretend to be anything but freaked out. He lets the adrenaline rush hit him and his hands shake. He gets in his van and turns on the ignition but just sits there white-knuckling the steering wheels. Deaky doesn't feel any different because the price to pay will only be at his death. Nothing that really changes. The world is just the same. He can see moths and bugs of the night dance in the headlights. 

He tries to calm himself, taking a deep breath and wiping the cold sweat from his brow. Now inside his van with the heater on, he feels too warm, like he's burning up inside. He takes off his pullover, leaving him in his t-shirt and slowly puts the car into first. He drives slowly back to London, back to the boys. Will they know right away? Will they notice or will the demon smooth it away in their minds? He doesn't know, but what he does know is that worrying about it will not help.

When he returns to their shared flat it's completely quiet, even at this hour of the night they are all asleep. Deaky doesn't know how he's going to go to sleep, he feels jittery and anxious. Still it's gotten so late that rather than hoping to not find any member of Queen still awake, he's hoping none of them will wake up for the bathroom or a bad dream. So the least Deaky can do is fake it. He brushes his teeth, combs and braids his hair, changes into his pajamas and slides in between the sheets of his single. There he finds that despite his anxiety that makes him feel tiredless, he falls asleep nearly instantly. It's over now, there is no going back.   
\--  
His night was plagued by odd dreams that weren't so much scary as threatening. He hears a knock at their bedroom door and then Freddie shaking his shoulder to end his restless night. "It's Brian," Freddie says with a strange expression. 

Nothing can stop the smile that breaks out onto John's face. "Yeah?" He tries to curb his enthusiasm and Freddie is so preoccupied he doesn't notice. He rises from bed lighter than he has felt in weeks, months even, since this all began. It's hard not to have a spring in his step and a smile on his face as he readies himself for the day. It's all he can do to stop from humming under his breath as he prepares breakfast.

As if he has a sixth sense for it, Roger shows up exactly once the coffee has stopped percolating. He instantly gravitates to the machine without saying hello, pours himself a cup in silent contemplation. Roger looks... rough. Like he's been sleeping outside in the cold and on the hard ground rather than in the luxurious double he shares with Brian. His hair is tousled as though he was tossing and turning all night and there are deep purple bags under his eyes. The coffee will help to perk up his energy but will do nothing for the tiredness of his soul. 

Deaky wishes to be a good friend, but there is nothing he can find himself to tell Roger this morning. He... John knows he did what he had to do, but this anger, near wistful rage, burns hotly inside of him. It was his soul he gave up, gone forever.

So they have their breakfast in silence with only the radio chattering away until Freddie comes to herd them out of the flat. They show up and wait for the news like they have often at this point. Roger is clearly nervous, he chain smoked all the way here and now, in a hospital where it is not permitted, he bites his hangnails instead. As though his worrying will help anything. They had no way of knowing and none of this was their fault. 

Truly no one was really to blame because none of them had seen the signs, not even Brian himself. He had been feeling under the weather but no one could have predicted the seriousness of the illness. Brian had been in the hospital for literal months at this point, and he hadn't gotten better. If anything, the news was even more dire than when he had been first admitted, unconscious and jaundiced. 

They were discussing amputation and now they had called this morning with 'big news' so of course Roger was worried. Something normally terrible and life changing, but for a guitarist, a professional guitarist -!- there was no way to adequately describe how devastated Brian had become. And yet they were proposing this to save his life, because as extreme as having a limb cut off, death was worse. To think that that might not even be enough. Brian could have gone through that terrible emotional loss of being amputated and that still might not have been enough to fight off the disease ravaging his body.

Deaky knows of course what the nice pretty nurse is going to say. Everything is going to be alright now. Brian is over the worst of it and he, and his arm, will make a full recovery. To say they are relieved is to put it mildly. Roger and Freddie might as well melt on the spot, collapsing into each other, including Deaky, for relief. 

It doesn't take long for them all to start crying. The pain, the stress, the fear, it's all gone and done with. Deaky has sold his soul for Brian's physical well being and now there is only relief. Deaky had known the day he had given the Deacy Amp, that Brian could never grow to return Deaky's feelings of love no matter what he did. Last evening he had learned that Brian was in fact choosing to love Roger for all of their lives, no matter how long that was, by getting engaged. Despite both of those indisputable facts, Deaky's heart could not be moved and he knew he would love Brian everyday of his life until his last breath even if Brian were never to see another sunrise. So last night he had decided that no matter the price, Deaky was going to do what made him the happiest in the world, which was making Brian happy.

He would be healthy and have a long blissful life with Roger. John would be there to witness, he swore. Even if that meant having to endure seeing Brian happy from loving Roger. He couldn't do anything about being the last member of the band that they didn't particularly want, the hangon to their talent, but he was going to prove himself, write a song for the album and in everyway make himself irreplaceable. And if some tears Deaky shed that day were for the price he had to pay, for his future blinking away into nothingness then that was his business.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ah 'plot-twist' !


	3. I can hurt you from inside

And so that is how they lived and oh how they lived. Brian got better and Sheer Heart Attack was a success. It seemed the better Queen did, the more Roger and Brian loved each other and yet Deaky could not deny them this happiness that was his own. 

Of course nothing could compare to their success with A Night at the Opera, it put them on the map. All of a sudden it was as though everywhere was treating them like Japan, they were truly rockstars. Deaky had been as good as he had vowed to himself, he had made himself indispensable to Queen. He had written You're My Best Friend and it had done so well they had released it as a single in America -America!

Queen had their unspoken rule that song meanings were not to be discussed even though some like Death on Two Legs and Father to Son they could make educated guesses about. This didn't stop the press from speculating that this song was about the women whom he had dated and broken up with just before they had recorded this album. As he and Ronnie had ostensibly broken up because of the long weeks he was gone touring, he understood the assumption.

But truly it had been because John feared that now that they were free from Trident's moneysucking practices, they'd actually get decent money. And if they got money that meant there was no more reason for them to save cash by sharing a flat. Roger and Brian would like nothing more than privacy which meant that as soon as feasible they would move out. And the home that Deaky loved, all that time, soft vulnerable time with Brian would be gone. No more quiet mornings together, cooking in the kitchen, washing-drying duty on the dishes, coming home to find Brian lying on the couch or late nights spent gaming. 

That was the other price to pay for Brian's happiness. That he was happy without Deaky, living a life beyond him. Deaky had tried to do the same, tried with all of his heart, to fill the empty moments without Brian with someone, anything else but that hadn't worked and it had been so terrible unfair to Ronnie. Ronnie wanted to settle down and have children, and she wanted to be loved, she deserved to have someone love her and John just couldn't do that. 

So he had resigned himself to the permanent life a bachelor, watching from afar how happy Roger made Brian. Instead of focusing on the sorrow that Roger could dwell in his heart, he focused instead on the positive. That while life of a bachelor was often lonely and sometimes difficult, he did at least have an easier time of it than Freddie. Freddie who desperately wanted to be love but felt unworthy of it. Sometimes Deaky wondered if they were not right for each other, these two that longed for more but had resigned themselves to never getting that much. 

But that was just a fairy tale. He could never do that. Freddie treated him like a younger brother in need of guidance and help to be coaxed out of his shell and in return Deaky saw him as a great and loyal friend but nothing more. Hell, Deaky was more likely to hook up with Roger who emitted confidence and sex from every flirty pore. 

So Brian was happy because of Roger, Freddie tried his best and Deaky watched on. And it seemed that nothing would change as Queen was popular and only growing more so with every album and every tour. But that, it turned out was the problem.

They had flown so high with The Game, they had truly made it, number one in America. No accomplishment could mean more and they felt truly delighted, unspeakably alighted. But there was a surprise with their fame, John's first number one. They, John very much included, hadn't thought Another One Bites the Dust had been that good, it was after all so very simple. But another singer, a fellow called Michael Jackson, formerly of the Jackson Five, had insisted that they really had something there and had to make it a single. And oh boy was he right. 

Deaky, for what felt like the first time in years, came alive. For a long time there had only been one love in his life and that had been Brian but now music had truly grown within him. He had absolutely cared for it, enough to devote hours to learning his instruments and bothering to audition for bands but it had just been something to fill the hours. Preferable over other hobbies sure but much like school or a job, merely something to do. 

But when he preformed and watched how Freddie interacted with the crowd, all these people that loved them and hung onto their every note. Passionate and excited for this one night of entertainment. It wasn't just playing live, it was also hearing themselves on the radio, meeting the fans and seeing the tangible want for their music. Truly Deaky had learned to love the music, he's sure if he hadn't the band would have let him have a job of manager or roadie or anything else if he wanted to stay.

And now Deaky had discovered something new to love about music, writing good songs, songs that people truly ecstatically loved, how it felt to have his words echoed by the thousands of people present. Which is how all the problems had started. Deaky wanted to do more funk like AOBTD, it had been popular, hell even Brian had liked that genre enough to write Dragon Attack, but now that Freddie and Deaky thought it was a good idea for the album Roger and Brian hated it. 

They kept bemoaning that this wasn't Queen, whatever the hell that meant, and they didn't want to do it. Freddie was on his side and Deaky refused to budge. Not just because he thought it was the right idea, which he did, but also because of the power he felt opposing Roger and Brian. They had bound themselves together, in that most permanent and serious of ways, and now were forced to agree and walk in sync. 

But Deaky was free to call Brian out without reservation. Deaky honestly thought that he was right, that disco and funk were the movement of the future. The other fact though was how good it felt, to hurt Brian as Deaky himself had been hurt. Telling Brian that his ideas were wrong, and that he was useless, superfluous, gave him such a power rush. For so long Deaky had watched Brian orbit around Roger romantically and around Freddie musically and now Deaky had the chance to tell him he wasn't enough. It was wrong, it was cruel but it felt like justice to Deaky.

Deaky was so capable in fact that he could play the guitar to his own tracks. Wouldn't want perfect, precious Bri to sully his hands with a guitar other than the Red Special, who's special and distinct noise he did not want for his songs. While Deaky was riding the high of his power trip, he was crushing Brian to feel free and empowered.

He hoped to take back his agency with songs like Back Chat. Maybe he hoped that if he dragged Brian down to his level of self-esteem, self-loathing, they would be worthy of each other. But all it did was drive a wedge in their relationship, damage it in ways it may never recover. All this pain he was creating, he was adding to the world, and for what, because he wanted them to sell more albums? 

He really knew and recognized he was wrong when he heard the song Freddie had written Brian, Soul Brothers. Freddie was just as much if not more so on John's side of disco and yet, he had understood how upset this was making Brian and rather than belittle him for not following along, he had done his best to extend an olive branch. He had been what Deaky wasn't being... a good friend. 

\--  
So Deaky had done this. He realised it that day he first heard Soul Brothers. That night he got a hotel room far from where Queen was bunking, and he drank himself into oblivion, he saw no other way to deal with the pain. He had taken the darkness in his heart, the blackness that had festered in his soul, and he had spewed it all out on Brian. He had taken the hurt inside of him and used it as a weapon to hurt others. He had... tried to hurt the person he loved the most in the world. 

'Tried,' He couldn't help but to sneer in his mind. Oh no, far worse than that, he had succeeded. He had taken so much of what he loved about Brian, his conviction, his passion, his love, his creativity, his sense as a musician and tried to crush it under despair and loathing. 

As much as Deaky would like to use the crutch of saying it is because he has grown to resent Brian for costing him his soul, he can never regret what he did. Even if John no longer loved Brian, which John could never imagine no more than the oceans drying or the sun rising in the west, saving Brian's life would have still have been the right decision. For the love of friends he had with Freddie and Deaky, the love of his family, the love of their fans, the music still to be written and performed and of course the love that Roger had for him. 

At least Deaky could content himself that if he was not there to love Brian, Roger was, who seemed to love Brian as deeply and as passionately as anyone could hope for. John honestly couldn't even imagine. Roger was so passionate and excitable in daily life, what must he be like as a lover? What it must be like to have all that attention directed at you? But if anyone was worthy of that love it was Brian. And Deaky... Deaky had failed him. 

He felt that nothing he could ever do to atone would ever be enough, that not even selling his soul for Brian's life would ever come near. Brian deserved to have the whole world laid at his feet and what had Deaky done? He had all but spat in his face. That would have probably been easier than to come into the studio and to find that John had already recorded the guitar part himself. 

If all of that wasn't enough of course- there was the fact that Hot Space was a bust.


	4. now you are a heavy burden that i can't bear

After the failure that was Hot Space they all wondered how or if they were going to stay together. Their friendships that seemed to be carved from stone, as unshakable as the mountains, had proven themselves to be weak and frail, crumbling as though before an earth slide.

Deaky didn't know what the future had in sort for them. He didn't know when or if they would all still see each other. It seemed even Brian and Roger's relationship could not cope with the breaking up of Queen. As terrible, as heartbreaking as the death of Queen would be for Deaky who had truly grown to love being a musician and performer, Brian's unhappiness would be worse to him. If they broke up after now some dozen years of being together Brian would be devastated and blame himself, regardless of if the break was mutual.

Deaky could not fix that. He had already bargained his soul away and had little more to trade with, but even if he did he is not sure he would act in this case. He can honestly imagine no crime worse than to force love. That would be- terrible, false and he believes naturally unfulfilling compare to the beauty of true love.

Before they all fall apart, before they decide to permanently disband Queen, or Brian and Roger split up, Deaky mets one of Freddie's newest Beau. Deaky had kept a concerned eye on Freddie in Munich although he knows it is not his place to intervene and step in no matter what Freddie does. Which is why it takes him a while to notice the signs that Jim Hutton is a Fae.

It's clear that Freddie is deeply in love and so there is no point in trying to tell Freddie who knows nothing of the supernatural world and would not believe him if bewitched. All that would do is rip apart their friendship and Deaky has done enough of that for a lifetime.

Instead what he did was gift Freddie with a ring made of cold iron to hopeful protect him and ward off the Irishman and anything he should try. However, while Deaky tried to only do good, what actually happened was that Freddie accidentally hurt the man he loved and a tearful Jim confessed his 'shameful' nature.

Once Freddie had been informed about the supernatural and about who his latest lover was, he began to suspect the 'accident' wasn't completely accidental. He confronted Deaky in a roundabout way, who admitted his knowledge of the supernatural despite being human himself. Freddie was curious and found this new world exciting.

This made for a new possibility, one that John worried at like a loose tooth. That as Freddie now knew about the supernatural maybe, one day, someday, he could tell Freddie about what worried him and weighed on him for all these years. A burden shared is a burden halved or something. But would that really be true, what if this only caused Freddie worry over something that could not be helped, something over and done with. Also there was that nibbling fear in the back of his mind... If he told Freddie he'd sold his soul, he'd might to justify why it'd been to Brian. While it was now relatively true enough that he'd have done it for any of them, he wasn't sure if that was true in 74' when he'd only known them for a few years.

So rather than saying anything, John continues with the status quo of being Queen's bassist. One crazy day in July later, there is Live Aid, and this band that was all but ready to fall apart at the seams is stronger than ever. All of a sudden every problem that was dividing Roger and Brian are gone and John must watch them fall in love effortlessly with each other all over again. It's agony and yet who is John to deny Brian such happiness. So he nurses his broken heart with a bottle of booze and drinks the nights away.

They tour and everyday John must face that relativity that he is all alone in the world, with nobody to love him like lovers do. Now Freddie has Jim whom he brings with him on tour. Hell, even the roadies have found someone. Crystal, Roger's new drummer after John Harris, has found love in the roadie Trip.

It gets bad, it really gets to be a problem. That every evening John gets drunk. And often he doesn't wait until the evening, there's nothing stopping him from drinking on stage. His amp has more than enough room for him to store a drink while Brian, the gorgeous man he loves, performs his guitar solos in front of a cheering crowd. They love him too, but he's not theirs to have, anymore than he was Deaky's to have.

It doesn't get better. Deaky doesn't all of a sudden realise that it's hurting his friends to see him thus and decide to stop. No rather it gets worse. Deaky starts drinking to numb what is not so much pain as the emptiness inside. He feels like he's failing them, that he's become nothing more than a waste of space compare to their phenomenal talent.

Roger, who had always tried and long struggled, as become a wondrous strong writer. His beauty hasn't waned with age as it has in Deaky, if anything he looks better, more mature and confident rather than flashy. There is all the more to love about him. And he is so kind to Deaky in this trying time. If he only knew about how terrible of a friend Deaky was, how he craves Roger's lover of fifteen years. Roger's considerate comfort only makes him feel worse for being such a horrible person.

It makes him wonder... Sometimes he wonders when he wakes up from a black-out, if he'd rather not wake up at all. Some days he'd just like to sleep in bed all day long when world is too much to deal with. If what awaits him after death is not the afterlife without a soul, then... What even is the point?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> from this point on i have no more beta so its all wild


	5. I made myself a promise / You would never see me cry

Truly John could not be more miserable, so wrapped up in his own problems. He ceases to live and rather just exists as he he shepherded from one place to another, told when and where to show up for what. 

John is unaware of anything that can restore him from the shell of a person he has become, that is until the day that Freddie gives them an announcement when they are all gathered. "You might have suspected, well it's true, I have it."

Deaky can't even focus at first on the words as his eyes through his hangover shades are focused on the soft movement of Brian's thumb over the back of Roger's hand as their hands are clasped together. The words slowly sink in but their meaning is clear to him. The terror feels like tiny freezing cold fingers piercing through his flesh.

He, like everyone in the team, had noticed that Freddie had been ill. But he had hoped it was nothing, that Freddie was just going to get better. But like with Brian all those years ago that wasn't the case. Instead Deaky was left to watch his dear friend grow weaker and weaker until they would die, as their loved ones watched on powerlessly. Because this time there was nothing for Deaky to do, nothing more to give -unless...

He turned to Jim would wore a brave face. The Fae looked stoic and nearly unmoving, having clearly heard the news earlier from Freddie, and then John realises- If Freddie is sick then the chances are Jim is too. Can it even- If he is to do something, make another deal he realises he must do it for a cure if at all possible. 

His brain simultaneously feels jittery as it pings from one idea to the next and blank, as though the shock has made his soul leave him body and now everything feels far away and distant. His tongue feels heavy in his mouth and he hears himself as though from faraway. "Would that be possible?" He hears himself as Jim, "To make a deal, not just for Freddie but for a cure?"

Roger and Brian expression their confusion but for once not even Brian can capture his attention. "A deal? What- With a demon?" Jim hasn't followed. Roger hisses but John doesn't have time to deal with his rationality or hysterics. 

His attention is only diverted from Jim when Freddie grabs Deaky by the hands, "Oh, honey don't, please I would never ask that of you."

John can barely feel Freddie's warm hands on his skin, he feels so floaty, "I've heard of something," The words feels odd coming out of his mouth, like they are somehow not fully in his control, like coins being throw down a well. Roger's voice sounds so far away. "That someone who has made a deal with a demon can make a secondary deal; only if the first one was for their soul then the second must be for their remaining lifespan." There is complete quiet in the room, to the point where John can hear his own breathing. He feels light headed and licks his lips. "Then they can ask for more for the secondary. Alot more. So much more that a demon would normally not deal for... Like a cure."

"Listen to me. You must listen to me," Freddie is cupping John's face and has all but crawled into his lap, "You can't do this, you mustn't do this. I would never want you to sell your soul for me, let alone twice." Roger agrees very loudly. 

But while Freddie seemingly has accepted death or at least relative to John's eternal soul, the others are considering. It the last half a dozen years since the disease was discovered, how many have died? How many more are infected and will soon? How many more will it spread to? It is a terrible price to pay but maybe...?

"It could work," Jim said quietly. "A secondary deal could be powerful enough to create a cure. It wouldn't never be enough to cure everyone but if a cure existed, that could be made by mortal hands, it might be possible to treat for it but I can't be certain." Despite Jim fighting for his life, his fiancee's life, dozens he knows, and thousands if not millions he doesn't, Freddie doesn't look away from where his is peering into John's face with a look of denial. 

Freddie would never want this, but it is John's choice in the end. It would weigh heavy on Freddie's heart to have cost John this, it would weigh on him for all the decades he will live on. John carefully doesn't dart a look to couch where Brian and Roger have huddle on each other for comfort after Freddie's devastating news. "I already sold my soul a long time ago, and now I've lived many years, a long life with my wish that will continue on, however many few years I have left," He shakes his head, "They are such a small price to pay."

Freddie backs away in dawning horror, he must realise that John has made his choice. And yet those are not the words that follow, "You- You sold your soul? What did you sell it for? For Queen?" There are tears in his eyes. There weren't even tears in his eyes when he spoke of his impending death. "Didn't you believe in us?"

John can feel his heart shattering because when he made the deal he actually hadn't believed in Queen. He hadn't thought they were going anywhere and that hadn't mattered to him, he hadn't cared. That's the true that is so terrible to Freddie, so maybe... Maybe he will give this out that Freddie has given him. If he was made to justify his decision to save Brian, a man he had only known about two years at that point... His feelings could be exposed. 

He suspects that mourning him will be hard enough without having anything added such as his feelings from Brian. Unless that would make it easier for say Roger to mourn him, that John was such a resentful envious person and that's why he'd never allowed their friendship to bloom in the way he knew it could. And maybe thing that John was narcissistic enough to sell his soul for money and fame would so ruin things with Freddie that it would make his death would be easier on the singer.

"I don't have a wife or any children." He tries not to think about why he has impact so few people in his life, because of his neverending devotion to Brian. "I've lived a good life. This is truly a small price to buy for all the lives that could be saved. How many years am I really giving up-"

"You're only 35," Brian voice sounds tiny and Deaky can't bare to look. He sounds like he's crying. 

And if Brian's crying that will make Deaky cry but knows what he's doing is right. They'll see when he's gone that he was only a third wheel, the least talented of the bunch and the least passionate compare to them. "You just don't see it because you know me but in the grand scheme of things-"

"SHUT UP AND LISTEN!" Roger's screams, even louder than before. He has something to say and it will not be ignored. He was standing on the couch and his hair seemed to be standing on end- No it was more than that John realised. It was something supernatural. Could it be that all this time Roger had been part of the supernatural or at least known about it like Deaky? It was clear at least by Brian's face that he had no idea about any of this and was so shocked to see his lover like this. 

Roger pointed threateningly at Deaky, "I don't know what the fuck you did but you did not deal your soul away."


	6. you won't even know I'm here

Roger seemed very certain of himself. Didn't he? Maybe his great-great uncle's book had been wrong? "I summoned a crossroads demon on the equinox's eve, spoke my deal to which they agreed and we-," He cringes just to remember the odd horrible kiss, "Sealed the deal."

"But that doesn't make any sense," Roger pouted as he stamped his feet on the sofa. He peered intently at Deaky who noticed more eyes appear on Roger's face as the blue of them became brighter, shining with their own light. "You have a mark on your soul saying it's to be given up at death, yes this part is true. You have given you soul away but nowhere do I see makes of having something in return. You didn't trade your soul, you gave it up."

"I mean my deal wasn't for me?"

"No, he's right." Jim said now leaning in his brown eyes flashing liking tarnished bronze, "A deal leaves a mark on the soul even if you dealt for something that in no way relates to your body. Like a stamp, a receipt, but you... I can not see souls as clearly as Nephilim so if Roger is certain-"

"Could the deal, the contract, be invalid?" Brian suggested as he stared bug-eyed at Jim's eyes. He darted a look of awe at Roger and then a curious look at Deaky, right they had to deal with this too. Deaky was also in shock: invalidate the deal? What would that even mean for him? Would it... Could it... mean that he was to be free? To never have to lose his soul?

"I am human but aware as is Freddie, ever since he found out Jim is Fae," Deaky address first pointing. When Jim was pointed to he made his supernatural mask like face appear, the skin was smoother and the cheekbones and nose more pointy. Brian just rose his eyebrows and slowly bobbed his head.

Jim contracted his face back into his mortal visage, "As to your question I think it could be invalid the only problem with that, is there isn't really a way of informing that now that Deaky's soul has been marked, been given it's ticket." 

Deaky couldn't even process these words, everything was just happening so fast. First Freddie was dying, then John was ending his life, then Roger was a supernatural, then he'd somehow been tricked giving up his soul (for nothing?!), which was invalidating but there was nothing that could be done about it? It was a good thing he was sitting down. 

"Well not by you," Roger said as he hopped down from the couch. Apparently their drummer didn't feel the need to explain to his lover of two-decades what he'd just seen, completely ignoring Brian's curiosity or shock. "But I might be able to ask around. Technically angels can enforce rules such as that. The really tricky part will be finding that demon though, angels sure as shit can't get anywhere near hell." 

John wasn't sure he just needed some breathing salts at this point. 

Freddie, that self-admitted clever little cunt, got a wick idea that made his eyes twinkle. "Well if the contract is already invalid what would happen if say Deaky were to summon the demon again, make this over double-"  
"Secondary," Everyone corrected, even Brian.  
Freddie just waved that away, "Deal and then only after were to invalidate it."

"Holy shit," Jim couldn't help but to exclaim as he thought about it. 

"Oh, you're brilliant, you are," Roger shouted as he swooped Freddie up to give him a big wet kiss on the cheek, "That could really work, I'll need to make sure it can be invalidated before Deaky does this." Oh right, well that was nice of Roger but it wasn't going to stop Deaky. Even if he couldn't get out of this he was going to do whatever he could to save his friends.

Which apparently they could all tell from the look on his face all three of his band mates kind of jumped onto him. "We will find a way out of this." / "I would never ask this of you, darling." / "Don't you dare."

"I- If I'm already to lose my soul a few years more is hardly-"

"A few?!" / "Try more like decades mate." / "Stop saying this about yourself."

Freddie grabbed Deaky's face in his hands again. This time the bassist could clearly focus on the fine face before him. Freddie was staring him down with his piercing brown eyes. "We love you. I love you." Oh shit. Deaky couldn't even stop the tears that were welling in his eyes. Freddie was being kind, he was genuinely trying to make Deaky feel better but instead he was just rubbing salt into that wound. He was loved by his band mates but he wasn't *loved* and he never would be.

He slowly took Freddie;s hands off of his hand, folding them into his lap. He took a deep breath, he was overwhelming by them all looking at him. "I promise not to do anything reckless. I'll let Roger check that it can be invalidated, however he's going to do that, before I do anything. You have my word. I just- This has all been a lot, I just need some fresh air and bit of space." And maybe a drink, he added strictly to himself; the boys didn't like to see him drink so much.

He left the room and found a stashed away bottle of Beam in one of his stage amps that the roadies has enjoyed themselves. He made his way to the roof and layed down as though he was going to watch the clouds. Technically there were clouds to watch, however as it was an overcast day they were indecipherable appearing as nothing more than the ripples on an agitated sea.


	7. you can hurt me from inside

He laid there in and drunk for what must have been at least a few hours before he heard the sound of the roof door opening. For once there wasn't the distinctive sound of Brian's clogs as he was wearing his adidas today to signal it was him. Instead Brian and his hair just loomed over Deaky's prone form. He sighed before sitting cross legged at his side. "I know something the world can be much and you just want to be alone," And boy did anyone know that better than Brian May, "But I also know that sometimes even if you don't want to talk, it can help to have someone that loves you."

Deaky can't help but to let out a weak wet chuckle, if he wasn't drunk he'd probably cry. 'Someone that loves him,' but that's just the problem now isn't it. That Brian doesn't love him the way John would wants him to. Doesn't love him like his friend -coworker, the way, that he loves Roger, the way John loves him. 

"I can't- I can't even start to talk about this with *you.*" John hopes that's the end of that and that now Brian will leave.

But instead Brian leans forward to rest his head on John's chest, feeling each inhale move his forehead. "Freddie thinks you did it for Queen but-" And now it's Brian's turn for his voice to be thick with emotions, "You're not like Roger, you never really even wanted a rockstar life. It just," He lets out a laugh, "It just happened to you." There's a beat of silence and John reflects that it would be awkward if Brian was wrong, and John had sold his soul for their band. "Jim tells me the most common deal people make for their souls is for the life or wellbeing of someone they love."

'Oh if you only knew how I loved you.' John doesn't say anything just buries his hand in Brian's soft curls. 

"So I wanted to thank you. I wanted to thank you so much, I would have never asked for this but I'm guessing that's why you never told me." John had known Brian well enough at that point to have that much figured out. Which is why it had occurred to John how much power he would have if he told Brian. He could guilt Brian into feeling responsible for it, into forcing Brian time or dedication. He could never do such a thing though, although it was often tempting, especially in dark of night when he was trying to sleep and could hear him and Roger enjoying themselves on the other side of thin hotel walls. 

'Your welcome,' would be worthless, John barely even really did it for Brian, he only did it for what Brian meant to him. "How did you know?" He takes another swig from the bottle. The good news is despite John's alcohol problem he hasn't finished the bottle which wasn't even full to start with. It's almost as if he knows drinking won't solve his problem but just does it because nothing will.

Brian sigh and John can feel his warm breath on his belly. "How could I not? It's not as though anything else big has happened, not that you'd sell your soul for. Although Roger thought it might have been for Live Aid just because of how from one day to the next we were fading from public consciousness and ready to dissolve the band and then next we were on top of the world." 

"Well reasoned," John considers. Roger always was deceptively clever. At this point some of his behavior is a show to get people to underestimate him but John knows it started because people saw a pretty face and nothing else. Deaky hopes and believe he isn't one of these people, of course Roger *is* pretty, but there's so much more to him than that. Those that only see the superficial are missing out on the bright, vibrant, passionate person Roger is beneath. 

Speaking of Roger, "Shouldn't you be angry with him?"

"For not telling me he was half-angel?" 

"Hmmm," John verbalises his agreement.

"No. No -well I could never really be angry with Roger." 

'Of course not, you love him so much,' Hot Space wasn't even enough for those two to start fighting, literally only the potential of Queen, their whole lifes, could threaten their relationship.

"If he tells me its not a big part of who he is then I believe him," John can heard the soft smile in his voice that he often gets when talking about Roger. Oh how wondrous it must be to be loved wholly by Brian, to have all his compassion and thoughtful directed at oneself. "I doubt I could have known him so personally for all these years and not known all of him. I understand why he didn't tell me, live is easier when you don't know about the supernatural." 

John barks with laughter, he's certainly correct there. Since John has found out about the supernatural it's been hard not to jump at shadows and try and blame everything on something else. 

"He felt that I already saw so much wonder and awe in science and the unknown and he's right. I don't feel like my life was missing out because I wasn't spiritual or anything. I'm not even sure what this will change now that I know."

"I never wanted you to know," John says at he lets the bottle slide out of his fingers so he had rub smoothing circles into Brian's back. 

"I-" Brian turns his head to be facing John rather than his stomach, it's clear in both of their faces that thank you really means nothing in the light of all of this, "Roger will find a way to figure this out, for you to get your soul back."

John closes his eyes from the tears threatening, 'Right. Roger.' He can almost taste another gulp in his mouth. It's been a very emotional day and John just doesn't want to bother right now. He's had lots of time to accept that he's sold away his soul, even if Roger doesn't figure it out that's okay. It was a price that John was willing to buy and he has never changed his mind on that, even when he sought to make Brian suffer. "Can I just- I just think I want to be alone right now?"

"Alright," Brian says without insisting he knows better what John wants for himself, not that he doesn't love Freddie most of the time. He slowly stands up, "Just know that if you need anything I- we- are here for you. Here," Brian takes off his jacket, "The sun will be setting soon, I don't want you to catch a chill," rather than give it for John to wear, he tucks him in as though under a blanket. "I hope - Be well John." Brian says awkward as he leaves. 

"You too Brian," John replies quietly.


	8. but I crept into your heart

Now all that was left was to wait. To wait and... to hope. Hope was the most dangerous of all. As much as John wanted to bury and smother any possible hope under apathy, he couldn't help himself. Hope, that fragile thing with wings, had perched in his heart, fluttering away. 

Brian spoke of John getting back his soul as an inevitability, Deaky assumed the alternative was too much to contemplate. Neither Deaky nor Jim pointed out the fact that they'd never heard of a mortal soul being cleansed of it's afterworld mark. Deaky honestly thought that if somehow the contract was found invalid, he would just have to name another price. Something else worth selling his soul for. 

Meanwhile Freddie spoke of it as a reward for Deaky's 'selfish' wish. Deaky was still pretty sure he did it for the selfish reason that he wanted Brian forever in his life, but he supposes it could be seen that way.

Roger, who was mostly gone on angel contacting business, was by far the most pragmatic and which reminded John why Roger was his best friend. Roger didn't make promises or grand declaration. He mere observed that Deaky had not made a deal despite having a ticket for his soul. He also understood why John did it as he too loved Brian although thankful had not grasped the true depth of John's feelings. 

Roger realism did little to help John with his hope problem. He couldn't be sure if it was because of this hope, for most days he wasn't sure why he started drink in the first place, but he had lessened. He couldn't go cold turkey overnight but he wasn't trying to black out every day. More than hope though might be how close this had made them all. Freddie is dying and they don't know if they can save him. However much time they have with John right now might be all that they will ever have. 

It has brought them closer together than ever as a group. Them vs the rest of the world. They stay up together doing whatever, talking, eating, a movie, scrabble, etc. They might send more time together in those late nights then they have collectively in years. John has missed them, holding himself away from them. And yet the pain of seeing Brian and Roger always together and so happy hasn't really lessened. But now maybe there is hope of some kind. Not for John to be with Brian, for even in the afterlife it is clear those two will follow each other, but hope that maybe he will live beyond Brian.

John's love has never waned or wavered and yet has he not made something of himself with Queen? Is he not accomplished? Not in his own right, he could have only made it this far because of them and their drive and yet still...

So it is odd and rare these days that John is alone. He is seated on the balcony waiting for the sun to set. While the weather grows warms and it will take longer for the sun to set today than for months, unlike his future that is so unknown, the setting of the sun is at least certain.

It's calm and quiet in this corner of Switzerland which is why John is so unprepared for Roger to fall from the sky and land on the balcony. He nearly spills his cup of tea, for once not even laced with anything, all over himself. "Fuck sake, warn a guy."

Roger smiles but gives an apologetic nod as he turns to face that lake. "Be warn then."

"Wha-"

Another being 'flies' into the balcony, to Deaky's feeble normal eyes they appear to drop with such speed and weigh straight down from the sky. Unlike Roger who is half-angel this seems to be a real and proper full angel. Deaky doubt it's Roger's sire based on how ill he's always, justifiably, spoken of his father. 

This angel is at least seven feet tall and has three pairs of enormous wings. They are not feathered like a birds, in fact they are barely tangible at all, they appear as a shimmering haze behind them. On the wings and all over their body are eyes, most of them closed. 

They bend down to look him in the face his lower height with the seven eyes on their face that were open wide and staring at Deaky with their odd bright light. From this close up Deaky can feel ozone on them, almost like thunder. "I see. Yes your soul has been condemned and yet no demon's power has granted you a return," their voice is cutting like lance piercing him as though its enunciation is so crisp as give this supernatural quality. 

John's tongue feels thick in his mouth but he still manages to stammer out, "A-and that's- I mean the deal wasn't for me, I wished for another's well being." There is a pause as the being continues as though looking for something else. "Your divinitiness?" He coins out of respect born from fear more than anything else. 

They extend a hand that begins to glow with the same golden light as their eyes. It's shines solidly as though the flesh has been replaced with metal and they reach out to touch his chest. Deaky can feel his chest slamming behind his ribcage. Their hand effortlessly becomes in tangible and reaches in. 'Holy shit, holy shit,' Deaky quietly freaks out as he makes every effort not to flinch. This is somehow almost scarier than dealing with a demon. 

"The condemnation can be removed." Deaky almost falls down when he hears this and must lock his needs. He feels like he can hear his breathing echoing in his head. "Shall I do so now?"

"Yes," Roger answers which is what snaps Deaky out of it. "No!"

The angel makes no more, merely looking at the both of them with all it's eyes. "Yes, no I'm sorry hold on, I didn't tell Deaks what I found out," Roger speaks casually as he pats the angel's arm, still inside of Deaky. As long as he doesn't look down again, he's fine, totally dealing with it very well in fact. 

"Demons can't like see souls," Roger explains. He makes the motions like he wants to light up but he recently completely stopped smoking. Instead he just shoves his hands into his trouser pockets' awkwardly. "They can like smell them or something instead. Which means the demon won't be able to smell if the condemnation is removed from your soul. Which is why it's important to do it now. Because if not, if you make a deal to end your life, they instantly collect your soul before it can cleansed."

"And what will stop them from collected my soul regardless of whether it has a damnation?"

Roger shrugs. "They can't hurt mortals, not physically. Just with their magic-

"And their words," the angel stresses with emphasis.

"Right," Roger shoulder's wiggle like flick a cigarette if he had one to make his point. It's almost unnoticeable but to Deaky who has known him for so long. "So with your okay we can get this started."

"I- Yes," John does his best to blink back the tears that are threatening. "Yes, please remove it. Please, I-" He can't even truly grasp what it will mean to no longer have this looming sword of damocles' over him. The constant, dark shadow in his life gone after so many years. John had been willing to pay the price, he would have payed any price for Brian, but still it has threatened him for these last ten years. 

The angel spread its three pair of wings out and up, blocking the lowering of the sun. John feels a thumping in his chest that is not his heart. It feels like the pounding of drums or a thick bassline. He can feel it in his teeth. The angel lights up, glowing brighter and brighter. Even behind his closed eyelids, John must lift a hand to shield himself from the view. It doesn't feel painful all that there is a cracking sensation on his chest like a walnut being struck with a hammer. There is a buzzing in his ears, almost too low to hear and then it is over.

It grows darker and when John opens his eyes starbursts dancing in his eyes. The angel is retracting their golden hand and tightly held in their grasp is something dark and writhing. It seems to be suffering, screeching shrilly as it tries to escape the holy being's touch.

"Be free of this John Richard Deacon and now that this boon was granted for you are pure of heart, good of deed and beloved of Meddows." And with that the being lifts its wings and leaves in a powerful burst of air that throws Deaky to the ground.

It wasn't such the unexpected and surprised gust that threw him to the ground but also his shock. He doesn't know how he hasn't fainted yet, let alone have his legs hold him. He looks dumbly up at the sky where the giant being stood. The sky has turned beautiful shades of orange and pink. 

"Are you alright?" Roger jokes as he smiles uncontainably. He's giddy with joy and his exuberance is shining from his pores.

"Sure, you're the greatest friend a mate could ever ask for. Do you mind if I say on the ground?" 

Roger snorts amusement, grabbing a chair and straddling it backwards, looking down at their bassist. 

He placed a hand over his chest, he didn't feel any different, there was no lasting sensation and yet. "I never noticed it being put on, why is talking it off such an ordeal?"

"Demon kisses, they are like paralytic or something, don't know, never kissed one."

Deaky blinked slowly, "Huh." He ran his hand over his chest again, as though petting himself. "Can you just- I know they had- but could you just-?"

"Sure," Roger cuts of his babbling as he raises his sunglasses and placing them on his head to pushing back his bangs. He opens all his eyes wide and stared intently, "Clean as a whistle."

The relief is so great and yet unbelievable that Deaky can do nothing but dramatically cover his face with his arm. "What does that expression even mean?"

Roger laughs and Deaky can't help but to join in. After all this time he is... free. His soul is his again. What does this even mean? Deaky has tried his hardest to never let the deal he made affect his life, at least not on a conscious level, and he still feels like now everything will be different. Roger were the first of Queen to become his friend, even though deep inside John hoped for him to break up with Brian he did nothing to get between them and their happiness. 

But after Hot Space their relationship had become more like that of working professionals. They'd started to slowly rebuild it and rekindle it after Freddie's devastating news, but maybe now that there wasn't this thing in between them maybe they'd grow close again. Or maybe John is just an old man diluting himself. Brian, who loves Roger and whom Roger loves, is still this seemingly unbridgeable chasm between the two of them; regardless of how respectable and mature John tries to be about it. His brain is committed but his heart remains fickle.


	9. won't see me closing in

Then they wait for the spring equinox and John... his life is both different and the same. It is hard to describe as there is no literally tangible thing that has changed. And yet John feels like there is color and hope in the world again. Instead of meekingly living his life content by Brian's happiness and Queen's success, he is free to pursue his own happiness whatever that might mean. 

Which might be the crux, because now that John is free there is nothing he wants desperately to do, nothing he feels he is missing. He had broken up with Ronnie and never dated again, not out of strict loyalty to Brian, but as fairness to Ronnie, and anyone else he might date, who deserved to be loved in return. He's not like Roger, he doesn't crave any kind of adventure or extremeness. He likes his relatively peaceful life of being the least recognized and ambitious member of Queen. 

It doesn't take long for the shine to fade a little. Not because the world dims again but rather because it doesn't. Everything feels wondrous and special to Deaky but to everyone else, the world keeps on spinning unnoticing. 

Deaky feels like his whole life is different, the whole world is different, but of course it's not. Even his band mates do not understand the ordeal he has endured and how rocked to his core he is. Not that he tells them of course, not that he tells them anything. 

He bids his time until he can summon the demon trying to be a good friend for Roger and there for Freddie. But then what? Once he has fixed this, once he has tricked a demon!, what will he do of himself then? The answer is obvious and simple but Deaky is rather in denial of it. That things will return to the status quo, that terrible status quo that made him feel like he had no choice but to drink himself into a stupor every night. Brian loves Roger who loves him in return. Really what could be better? Freddie will have Jim and Deaky will wonder about what the afterlife will have in store for him and if he'd rather take the shorter road to get there.

Until such a time Deaky gets to comfort himself away from the dark pit of despair with the 'cheerful' thought that he gets to deal with the demon again. If nothing goes wrong, if they are correct that the demon won't be able to see his soul, he will still have to trade with the being. He remembers the fear he felt when first dealing with it, and even though this time there is less unknown, he is still afraid. 

Unlike before when he could not confined in anyone because he didn't want them to know and they didn't know about the supernatural (how Roger had so duped him will remain a terribly impressive feat), this time he can tell the boys. And he readily does so. 

There is nothing like the mothership of Queen. John doesn't always feel better when unloading his problems to others but somehow all their Royal Highnesses are great comfort when he needs to lean on someone. They lighten his load although a little bit of fear will always remain. There is a reason demons are demons and he best not forget it. But he is not paralyzed with fear, not that he ever is. 

At least in this way Deaky is brave. Brave to speak his mind, face down anyone and remain true to himself. He was willing to do this for Brian's life, for the love of his life, he can certainly do it for one of his closest, dearest friends. His mind tends to classify Roger as 'best friend' which by literal word definition can only be applied to one person. 

Despite this he doesn't feel necessarily less affection for Freddie but his mind has made a clear distinction between them. Freddie first treated John like the brother he never had and John had loved that, eagerly leaning into it. Happy to be sheltered and cared for, to be taken care of as he was for the first time away from home, and most importantly to be coaxed out of his shell. Even with his resolve to make himself indispensable and irreplaceable to Queen, he doesn't think he could have done it without Freddie. 

This is why John, despite any fear, does not waver at this task ahead of him. And the eve of the equinox see's him standing on a dirt road at another crossroad in the middle of nowhere. Like last time he braces himself, remaining unmoving, as to not show fear if it is in his power.

Again the demon appears to be cloaked in shadow as it stands there with its blank face. It is a stark contrast to the glowing eyes of angels. Its only feature instead being teeth that are hidden in the darkness. "Speak, one who has summoned me," It repeats the same line from all those years ago in that same unnatural voice, that caresses the air. 

"I summon you again, for another deal. I want the feasible means of producing the cure for the human disease known as AIDS," They had discussed and agreed in a group that there was no way the demon was ever, *ever* going to just cure everyone of aids. What had to be asked for instead was a cure that humans could make and distribute. They weren't naive and their eyes were wide open to the fact that even if the demon delivered, that producing and distributing it would be an uphill battle due to the stigma around the disease. 

The demon tilted its head and John felt like the shadows were growing longer and darker. Still he stood his ground unmoving, unflinching. "That is a lot to ask for, more than last time. We have already made a deal, I remember your soul, so what do you have to bargain with now? The soul of your first born?"

The very suggestion sends shivers down John's spine. He has always, somewhere deep within him, longed for children one day, some day, but never has he been more thankful not to have children. How horrendous, how awful. What would anyone need so much they would be willing to make such a deal? Would it be only for the grandest, most desperate of wishes? Or would it rather be only by the coldest, most unfeeling of parents, that would by far prioritize their own greed over the very soul of their innocent precious child? A child that is dependant on their parents?

"No," John states firmly. He will not let this demon know how revolting he finds the idea. He keeps his shoulders back and his chin up. "I wish to trade my remaining lifespan."

"So little? What value could that have to me? Don't you have something else to offer?" Unlike last time where the demon was quick and unhesitant to jump on the deal before John chickened out, this time it doesn't. 

He feels cold sweat forming on his back but he remains unwavering behind his blank mask. It is hard to deal with a being that has no face from which to read expressions. "This is what I am offering."

"Alright," The demon doesn't have conventional inflection and yet they sound... put upon? Were they trying to haggle? Now that they knew Deaky was brave and willing to deal. Try to make Deaky sell more than was needed to get a more profitable margin? Maybe his brave front was a bad idea and yet if Deaky were to be vulnerable before this being, he doesn't know what would stop him from crumbling. Truly, if it wasn't for his locked knees he'd be on the ground.

Again it extends a hand and John remembers that horrible feeling, what must come next. He walks steadily towards it, letting the demon grab him by the shoulder with that near intangible grip. He fears when it realises it has been tricked it will lash out. 

It has teeth hidden in those shadows, god only knows what else, razor sharp claws or flames that burn and sear? That doesn't matter now, what could the physical matter now that he knows his soul is safe? The boys will carry out this work should he perish this night.

"To seal the deal," he hears again before its 'mouth' is descending on his. He feels the hard teeth and a weight in his hand. When he breaks away there is a lab procedure in his arms, the cure to AIDS. He lets out a giant sigh of relief. 

The demon rears back and the whole landscape brightens, as though somehow the sun has started rising in the middle of the night. The darkness is sucked up by the demon, swirling around it as it hisses, teeth bared. "A trick?" It seems be lashing out with its magic but that can not hurt him who is a 'mere' mortal. 

Seeing that he is untouchable, the blood rises in John. If he cannot be hurt by it then he will get some answers, "*Me* trick *you*?!" He doesn't raise his voice so much as punch the words out with as much steel as a sword. "I was told we hadn't made a deal! That there was a condemnation on my soul but no deal had been made!" He almost wishes he was brave enough to step forward and get into the creatures face to spit these words at it.

The demon laughs, a high echoing noise that shows off all its teeth. "You dealt for that boy to recover. He was already recovering. You wanted him whole and so that's what you got. No need for any of my intervention."

John can feel the rage inside of him, pounding at his ribs, and yet how was he to know, to even guess, when Brian had seemingly gotten better the very next day. 

"And then you come here for another deal. I thought, what a steal, how much could I get from you? But then you seemingly know your worth, long has it been since I have dealt with a mortal so well informed. And yet this night I steal nothing, I am left with nothing and you've retained your soul, your life and two commands from me."

"One," John gritts out as his hand curls over the paper. 

"Ah but is that boy still not well and whole to this day? You got your wish, it just didn't require any supernatural acquiring." 

John is going to lose it, staring at this creature that doesn't care, that would take from him what is most valuable for nothing. "O' creature that I have summoned. I have dealt with you, now your duty done, return from whence you come."

As the demon has no expressions John cannot tell if it knows dismay at his actions, it simply vanishes the same way as it came. Leaving John scared and shaking under the moonlight. He just wants to collapse but first he leaves through the booklet in his grip. He doesn't recognize the chemistry or what any of it means but at the very least the pages aren't blank.

He slides into his car, resting his head against the steering wheel. As much as he'd like to stay there, sleep away the waking nightmare; unlike last time the mothership is eagerly waiting his return and so he must return to his boys.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the end?


	10. Bonus Chapter?!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> me be concise? no

It's all over now. Maybe literally. All over. Yep.

Freddie's health problem, as is almost everyone in the world's. The disease has yet to reach Africa like it could have in another life and hopefully this will greatly reduce the spread of it, even though often it requires connections or money to be able to get the cure.

The problem with the demon is over. John has his soul and they are never to see neither head nor tails of the creature.

And- John's life. That's probably over too. John hasn't- He's never actually actively committed self-harm to himself. He's gotten so drunk as to punch walls and one memorable time punched a window made of glass that required stitches and sling. That was out of frustration, not despair. And still he could never put the boys through that, he could never intentionally hurt himself but he often wishes he could just fall asleep and never wake up.

He could sleep 10-14 hours a day, he could lay there for hours unmoving, losing as many hours as he can that way. He doesn't actively pursue to harm himself but he often fantasizes about crashing his car. A single jerk of the wheel or a single jerk on the road and he wouldn't have to go through this anymore. He could never do it himself of course because if the boys were ever to find out, they'd be heartbroken and that's the last thing he'd ever want.

So he's stuck in this terrible, terrible limbo. Until, funnily enough, he's approached by Mary. Freddie has hired Mary as his secretary who has married Mack. Which he can't help but to think ties her quite thoroughly to Freddie. Not that Deaky hadn't been trying to do the same when he had started writing songs but that's not exactly the same as having children with their producer.

Mary is very sharp and keen though. There was a reason for why when she was fishing around London she had first landed on Brian before Freddie, she could see all that was there, the potential or anything else. And now she had noticed this.

"I thought," she looks at her perfect french manicure, "That what had gotten you so down was the selling of your soul." He stops sipping at his beer to look alarmed at her. "Don't look at me like that, Freddie told me all about it." 'Of course he did.' "I had always thought that maybe it was just in your nature to be miserable, like Brian's to be all melodramatic and blue. But with all this demon business I was like, oh, that explains how you got so down during the recording of Sheer Heart Attack. That explains the big shift. Only now you have your soul back, Brian is still kicking and you are just as miserable as ever." Mary isn't being subtle with him and the margaritas probably aren't curbing that.

"Maybe this is what I'm like now," Deaky tries to defend himself but he fears that if she's confronting him, it's because she's noticed something... That she knows something.

She rolls her eyes and doesn't bother giving that an answer. "You know I love Freddie."

Deaky carefully keeps his face blank. He doesn't know what he thinks. What he does *know* is that she claimed only to have started loving him around 74' which he knows to be when Freddie was pulling back and was stepping the most out of her. That at that same time she was desperately asking for a baby despite them not being married. A baby would have rather always kept Freddie tied to her. What he also knows is that while Freddie is extremely wealthy now, Mack is very comfortably wealthy. That she has by any definition married up.

This is not to say it is not possible for her to have been deeply invested in her relationship with Freddie or that she didn't genuinely want children or that spending time with Freddie had introduced her to Mack whom she fell in love with. A combination of these things could be true. But still he is careful, harm does not just come from demons draped in shadows.

"I love Freddie," she repeats as though that will make him agree. "But he doesn't love me and that's-" She doesn't say anything, she just gets this look on her face. A look of hurt and pain. If that was him, he'd down those cocktails faster; but he's never seen her drink to excess or high in anyway. Just pure grit apparently.

Oh. Even if she doesn't love Freddie with the same selfless love as he has for Brian, she might not be willing to sell her soul for it, that doesn't mean it's not real to her. "I'm sure I don't know what you mean," John replies, each word measured to come out unquavering. As much as he'd love to run away from this conversation, that's not really going to persuade her that it's untrue. Luckily John is clever and fast on his feet, "I'm very happy for Freddie. And Jim. That they now have each other."

She just gives him a look like 'you can't possibly think I'm that stupid' and he looks away. "Mmm," she clears her throat doubtfully as he can hear the sound of her topping up her drink. "Sometimes," he's still not looking at her. "Sometimes," she forces herself onto the definitely one person chair, "We are too close we can't see it." As she speaks next she looks out the window and she seems far away, "Freddie was becoming so famous and big at the same time that he was- it was too late by the time I realized."

John clears his throat awkwardly as he shifts over on the chair she is crowding him out of. While it had seemed to him very obvious what he had been writing You're my Best Friend about, he had also felt it was obvious what Freddie's song on that album had been about. Freddie was always a sucker for pining romantic songs which is part of the reason he had written them. And yet it seemed apparent the common theme between Love of My Life, Nevermore and Lily of the Valley.

And that was, Mary, slowly losing the one she loved as they started to walk on different paths despite remaining in each others' lives. 'The path of nevermore,' where romance died; possibly to live on as friendship. The lily of the valley that doesn't know. The love of one's life, now who leaves and then later, when it has all blown over, when they have grown older, will stay by their side to remind them. How scarily accurate of Freddie that had yet to know he and Mary would leave each other's lives for many years only to come back together after all this time and yet never again as lovers.

How must Mary have felt when she found out? How and when did she find out all of it? The other lover, who was a man, all of this. It must have been a lot, to say nothing of the rockstar life. Even Roger had fought tooth and nail for it because it was all he ever wanted in life still struggled with this new lifestyle and the loss of privacy. Mary might have wanted more than the security of a loving husband, she might have also wanted financial security (who didn't?) but John doubts even she could have comprehended what Queen would mean for all of them.

"I'm- This is difficult to hear," John is kind of being a dick by refusing to apologize to her but he doesn't like being cornered like this. If she knows his secret that- that threatens everything.

  
"You don't have to be alone in this. We don't have to be alone in this."

She can't know. She doesn't know. "I'm not in love with Fred," he bites out. He's just being petty at this point but he will cling to denial with everything he has. To tell a single soul- John could never. No one is to know, as though somehow that will make his feelings less real.

He can feel Mary rolling her eyes, she's not normally so open with him, normally pretending behind a mask of perfect ladylike manners. "As I was saying, before I was so rudely sidelined, was that sometimes we are so close we can't see it."

He snorts, "What? That Roger and Brian love each other? Geez, thanks for pointing it out."

She shakes her head, tossing her hair and 'accidentally' hitting him in the face. John is pretty sure if he was a cigarette she would be crushing him under her heel. "Thanks Sherlock that was definitely what this was about. Maybe if you got your head out of your arse for a second you'd see that Brian loves you."

His whole body stiffens, freezing in shock. That's- that's not true. It can't be true. Mary keeps talking, her voice sounds so far away, "It's hard to tell because you're so miserably resigned and he's so pathetically pining, so I'm willing to grant you he doesn't love you as much as you love him but his feelings, whatever they might be are true and genuine."

She takes a sip from her drink and the smell of the tequila burns his nose. God what he wouldn't do for a drink right now. But that would mean standing up and he can't let her walk around with this knowledge loose tongued. "You can't tell anyone. You can't ever tell anyone. Roger-"

"Who loves you too. I'm not suggesting you break them up, I'm suggesting you join them."

And to that John- John blushes. "Um. What." This is all too much. He's never... really considered that before. It should be impossible for him to get tenser at this idea and yet. It feels almost like there are flames dancing on his skin.

Him and Roger? He feels terrible because actually it's not that hard to imagine. All these years of devotion to Brian, his break up with Ronnie and his subsequent celibacy and yet he can imagine himself with Roger, partly as long as Brian is also by their sides. It seems so... not necessarily simple but do-able. Due to their years of friendship and how Roger's treated Brian all these years, it's easy to think about them together because Roger is a beautiful and passionate lover. To be loved by him would be a gift.

Mary thumps her glass onto the table and John thinks if he stopped staring at his hands long enough to look at her, she'd be rolling her eyes. "I know you are too close to see but I'm telling you that truly Brian returns your feelings, at least a little. God only knows if he'd be willing to carry a torch for some dozen years, being as close as you Queen boys are, without doing anything, or if he'd be willing to sell his soul but he does love you. You what? Met when he and Roger were already dating? That must have been hard for him too. That he was dating this wonderful man that he loved, to fall in love with someone else, that must have made him feel like a cad. So I can't promise I'll never tell them, so this is your warning. That you should do something about this."

And with that she stands up and leaves. This is all just so much, his head is reeling. Deaky is left there, hunched over him, tense all over, staring at that half-empty margarita glass.


	11. Chapter 11

Of course then there is only one thing to do. Talk to Freddie about it. He needs to get this figured out and quick, before Mary intervenes and tells either of them. Whatever she would tell them. She might not even tell them the truth. She'd tell them whatever she'd need do to get what she wants. He likes to think she hates to see him hurt and pin as she does for Freddie. That what she really wants is for there to be less suffering like that in the world. But he remembers clearly how felt during Hot Space, he'd felt hurt and the only way he'd found to make himself feel better was to make others hurt. 

She could destroy their friendship if she wanted. It's easy to imagine Roger blowing up over it, enraged by the suggestion. He'd yell and thrown things. But Brian- he'd be far subtle and yet no less hurt. If anything he'd be more hurt, not that he'd let John know. He'd avoid John, he'd refuse to meet his eyes and try to be in the same room as rarely as often. Probably crying himself to sleep in Roger's arms.

This meant that John had to talk about, this thing that he'd never given words to, never spoken out loud, he had to say them to Freddie, who was in no way known for being excitable. 

He took a bracing breathe and followed Phoebe's instructions to find Queen's singer is sprawled drawing in his sketchbook. The look on Deaky's face must have been dire because instantly Freddie put aside his sketchbook and pencil, standing to wrap him in a tigh embrace. "My darling, whatever has happened? You must tell me what the matter is."

Freddie makes an aborted move to pour them all a drink. He shoots a look at Deaky. None of the Queen boys support how much he's been drinking and have all been concerned about him. Deaky has cut back on his drinking but he has by no means quit, "Please," He says softly and Freddie relents by pouring him a shallow glass.

John settles himself on the divan and crowds next to Freddie, who throws an arm over his shoulder, pulling him in close to his chest. "I- I don't know if Mary has told you."

Freddie raises an eyebrow in obvious surprise. "Mary?" He clearly has no idea what happened between them the last time they saw each other.

John clears his throat awkwardly, "Um, no never mind that she's incidental," which is kind of mean but not untrue. "I'm actually here to talk about Brian and I guess Roger too."

He keeps his eyebrow raises but doesn't say anything waiting for John to continue. 

Never has the expression 'spill his guts' felt more appropriate as John would rather be gutted than go through with this conversation. Still as he spoke to the demon, not once but twice, he can do this. At least Freddie has eyes for John to comfort himself in. "I- I have feelings for Brian."

Freddie's eyes widen and he blinks in stunned silence for a moment. "Ookay?" He questions as he sips at his glass, "I don't assume you mean platonically as I would hope that after this near decade and a half with Queen that we gotten past apathy."

"That's," He clears his throat harshly, "Yes. That is correct."

Freddie sits there stunned for a moment more. "Well then." At least it's reassuring to John that only Mary has figured this out about him from his behavior. He swirls his the liquid in his glass, "That's not what I was expecting you wanted to talk about. That's -this- How long have you had these feelings?"

Oh god. Why did Freddie have to ask that question. John hunches his shoulders and which he was actually a tortoise that could hid into its shell. He mumbles under his, "All this time."

"Excuse me?"

"I mean I don't know," Deaky tries to be casual about it. "There was something when I first auditioned and then it just grew from there."

"All this time!?" Freddie grabbed Deaky into a crushing hug, "Oh my poor boy, all those years and you never said anything, to anyone?"

"How could I?" He replied defeatly, "He has Roger."

Freddie pet his back with hard firm strokes, no wonder his cats loved him. "Is that the real reason you sold your soul?"

He pulls back to look Freddie in the eyes. "You'd have to know I'd do it for any of you now. Now that I know you all so well, after all these years."

"We'd never ask this of you," Freddie replies immediately and yet his smile is pleased, possible that their youngest, shyest, last member is truly part of their Royal family. 

"But back then-" He bites his lip, "Yeah I was because-" He's never said these words, not ever out loud. "It's because I loved him. I still love him."

There's a quiet and while it's clear that Freddie is there for him, like emotionally, that he has seen what Mary has claimed. "I've been told, Mary told me, she think that- She thinks that Brian might have feeling for me too."

"She did?" John wonders if Freddie has doubts about Mary and her intentions too. If he genuinely does still care for her despite the death of their romantic relationship. "I don't- I mean I haven't seen it myself but I didn't see you pinning for Brian either, although now looking back at it I do see it, so maybe this could be true too. You know how it is sometimes. It's hard for us to see because we are so close to it, the forest for the trees and all that, so sometimes it takes someone on the outside looking in. Have you brought this up with anyone else?"

"No- No I don't really want to and I had to tell you first," He answers honestly. "But I suppose if I am going to eventually tell them," he has to with Mary's ultimatum, "I could talk to a few other about it first." 

"Someone that might be able the right distance from us to see like um... Crystal?"

"Yeah, it's hard to think of someone isn't it? That is both close enough to really know us and yet not so close they can't see it?"

Freddie nods. As much as they have experienced fame as Queen, he has experienced it as Freddie Mercury. "Do you think it would be better or worse if that person knew us all this time?" 

"I don't know," He sighs, melting into the back of the couch, tip his head to stare at the ceiling. When Freddie bought garden lodge he had the whole house renovated so Deaky isn't really surprised to see antique crown molding. "How am I ever going to tell them?"

"Would you like me to moderate in anyway?"

Deaky just groans. "There's no way it's really going to go great anyways. I might as well pretend to be brave and do it by myself-"

"Just know I'm always here for you," Freddie squeezes Deaky hand from here it rests on his lap.

"Thanks. I just don't- Even if Mary is right about Brian and his feelings, Roger- he'll be so hurt. I've been such a terrible friend."

"Don't say that! You've been terrible good to him all this time. I would have never guessed that you resented him in anyways for being with Brian."

"That's because I don't-" He tries to sit up but Freddie keeps him down, trying to get him to relax. "I don't resent Roger, truly I don't. I'm envious of course, I wish I could have Brian but also- If Brian doesn't want me," Freddie makes a sound of protest, "If Brian can't have me, then I'm so happy he has Roger, he has someone that loves him so much and so passionately."

"Mm," Freddie makes a sound in the back of his throat. "I see. So Roger."

"Roger? What about him?"

"If Brian might not have feelings to same extend to you as you have towards him, could it not be possible that you have feeling towards Roger? Not as much, not as strongly as towards Brian but..."

John feels like his mind has hit a brick wall. He what? He can feel a blush crawling over his cheeks like fire ants. "Mary, uh umm, well you see... She suggested that I date them, like both of them. Brian and Roger. And uh-"

"That idea wasn't terrible and distasteful, you know because however it is that you love Roger, it is true and genuine?"

John buries his face against Freddie's chest. He just wants to hide away from the whole world, what even is wrong with him? "I always thought - I obviously love you Freddie-"

"I have noticed, you were literally willing to sell away your life for me," He intersects dryly before adding more softly, "And I love you too." 

"But I always felt differently about you and Rog. I my mind it was like you and I were siblings and Roger was my best friend."

"Nothing says friendship like wanting to bone him," Freddie adds sassily. 

John can feel his whole body shake with laughter. "I haven't, I haven't even been able to think about that, please one step at a time."

"Right, it's not like you know them or anything," Freddie states as he stands up leaving John huddled on the cushion. "Decide what you're going to say, I'm with Mary on this, you have to tell them." John just groans pathetically. "Here," Freddie places one of his cats into the circle of John's arms, "Miko will keep you company while I go get us something to eat."  
\--

John can't decide on what he's going to say but apparently it's clear he has to say something so he's just going to wing it. He's pretty sure if he was to write it down it would just be rubbish. The biggest difficulty is Roger. What is he going to say to Roger? How is Roger going to react? What will their relationship be going forward? What does John even what it to be going forward?

He doesn't have answers to these questions and worrying at them will not get him the answers he wants. So he does what he always does, he screws up his courage and corners the two of them in the studio after everyone else has gone home.

He stands there with his hands on his hips and they look at him meaningfully, it's clear he has something on his mind and is going to say something. Now, how to start? "I have something to tell you. Something important to tell you."

They share a look and look very worried, Roger going so far as to open his third eye and examine John carefully. "It's not regarding anything supernatural. It's- Well it's kind of bad news, it just sort of depends I guess, it's-" He cuts himself abruptly, swiping his sweaty hands on his jeans. Shit. Maybe he should have just let Fred tell them. 

They sit down bracingly. Roger on his drum stool and Brian right there on the floor. Should he even be having his conversation here? He and Freddie had both thought it was a good idea because it was sound-proof, private, lockable, and not their houses as to taint those places with possible painful memories. He clears his throat and carefully doesn't make eye contact with either of them. 

"I, for a long time now, actually really since the beginning, I've - and Mary told me I had to tell you and Freddie thought it was a good idea too- that I-" He's really going to choke and be unable to spit it out? Where was that firm resolve that made him first summon a demon and then face it not once but twice? So what Brian's happiness and wellbeing matters but not his own? "I have feelings for Brian. Romantic feelings."

The 'good' news is that they are blindsided by this, they in no way shape or form suspected him of these feelings. The bad news is that they are too stunned and shocked to give him an immediate reaction. And as they sit there unmoving, there are no cues of how they might be feeling. John as a realist thinks the possible reactions are furious anger, hurt or cold distancing. Freddie genuinely seems to think this could end well. 

They sit there unspeaking for a minute and then another and then a third one. John shifts his weight from foot to foot, should he let them be so they can deal with this privately, should he speak more and make his case, should he continue to say nothing, do nothing? 

He waits a little longer to see if they say anything before speaking. "I don't- what you two have is wonderful, clearly I could tell, I could see how much you two love each other and I would never want to intentionally ruin that. That's why - I had considered first just telling one of you but really the right choice was to tell you both- so that's what I am doing. I- I don't, I'm sorry Roger, I like you and I have loved you as my best friend but I don't know if I could ever love you as much as I love Brian but maybe I can." He doesn't know if it is good or not but they exchange looks at this, although the expressions on their faces are unreadable to him. 

"I just- I'm not sure but even if- Freddie thinks even if we don't have the same relationship as I'd like to have with Brian, we could still have something good. Or keep it like it was yesterday because that was good-" 

Oh no, his voice is becoming thick with tears and he can feel them threatening in his eyes. "I just, please Roger, I don't want our friendship to be over. I'm so sorry for how I feel, I can't help myself. I've tried, oh Lord how I've tried-"

He cut off by Brian's arms around him. The hug is tight and warm and Deaky feels his extremities tingle. Even if the reaction is bad, just getting this over with has left Deaky so light headed he might pass out. And then -and then!!- he can feel Roger's arms wrapping around the both of them.

"I-" /"We," Roger tacks on./ "Could never resent you for how you feel, how you have genuinely felt all these years. You have nothing to apologize for, you have done nothing wrong." Brian gently cradles Deaky's face between his long guitarist fingers and Deaky looks up into those hazel eyes he loves so much. "I- I never knew, I never suspected, you have treated us like a loving friend all this time. No different than Freddie or anyone else."

Brian looks over him to share a look with Roger. "We had noticed, ever since Freddie got cured, that something still seemed to be weighing on your chest and so I am very pleased that Freddie and Mary convinced you to talk to us about this. I've never- Well I mean I guess I have but I never meant to, I would never-"

At least Deaky isn't the only one to stammer uselessly today. Feelings are hard and talking about them is even harder. "What I think he's trying to say," Roger butts in and Deaky can feel their drummer's chin on his shoulder, "Is that he's tried his best to be faithful, as have I, so we haven't given it enough thought to be sure of how this will all work out. But it's clear that you love us, and we have worked as friends, so we might as well try this." Deaky can feel Roger shrug from how they are all held together in the hug, "And maybe it wouldn't work out but if it doesn't then we can hopefully try and just go back to being friends."

"Exactly," Brian agrees. Deaky has been close enough to them to see their relationship and yet it is still impressive how intune and instep they are with each other. To have come to this agreement without have to talk to each other, without a single word passed, is astonishing. "Your happiness is definitely worth the effort," Brian repeats the sentiments John had often had towards Brian. 

It's not the love he might have hoped for in the furthest, darkest corners of his heart and yet it is not the reject, hurt or anger that could have all too easily come from people less understanding, less loving. It's a start but it's a good one.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i couldnt even beta these chapters, i just suffer, its terrible. 
> 
> also i havent tagged john/brian/roger because i honestly think its spoilers


End file.
